Hello

I am writing this in the calm before. Before what exactly, I can't be certain, but there are a few things I know are about to happen, and a few things I think are likely to be about to happen. First of all, and most certain, I am about to turn 30. I never imagined I'd be particularly hung up on this birthday. In fact, I always thought it was pretty stupid to get upset about things like that. It's just a number, age is irrelevant, it happens to everybody so why worry about it, beats the alternative, etc. Now I wonder why I thought I had any clue what I was talking about.

It's like when I was younger and had perfect skin and flawless digestion and never even thought twice about my reproductive system (except to make sure it never actually reproduced anything) and I thought that when people complained about aging they were just whining. I knew I'd never be that way myself. I would age gracefully and embrace every stage of life as it came. What the hell did I know about it?

To my surprise, not only am I not aging that gracefully, but I've gotten pretty fat. This isn't exactly news, I've always been on the heavier side, but here I am suddenly on the wrong side of 200 pounds, and I seem to be the last person to have noticed.

Those are the things I know for sure: I'm turning 30 and, like so many Americans, I really need to lose weight. If you're thinking that this is a total cliche, I assure you that nobody is more annoyed about that than I am.

Less certain, I may be about to lose my job. It's not a job I especially love, but even so I'm attached to it, and with the economic climate the way it is I'm not likely to find another one easily. I know I'm lucky in that my husband and I can get by on his salary alone, but even so the prospect of unemployment sends shivers down my spine. What the hell am I going to do with myself?

Another uncertainty: I may be about to lose my husband, too.

So basically, it's hard not to feel as if my life is falling down around my ears these days. I'm not sure where I went wrong. I've spent most of my life so far coasting along fairly comfortably. How did this happen? What can I do about it? I've always felt like my year begins on my birthday rather than January first, and so this is when I make my resolutions. Tomorrow I will turn 30. By the time I turn 31, I want to have a much better handle on all of this.